The Friendzone Hypothesis

“I only see you as a friend.”

Is probably the most painful thing that your crush could ever tell you.

So if you do ever hear these words (sorry bro), these are your next moves.

The first thing you wanna do is resist the insatiable urge to throw your phone against the wall. Because at the end of the day Iphones>girls, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

The second thing you wanna do is resist the temptation to punch the wall, the door, to the floor, people. Actually, whatever, punch the wall a few times. That shit hurts.

The third thing you wanna do is turn on that Drake or Eminem or maybe Taylor Swift (no judgment here).

So after you’ve calmed down, after listening to “We are never ever getting back together” for the 400th time (again no judgment), you’re probably wondering how you got in this predicament. You’re probably wondering how this girl/boy had the unmitigated gall to see you just “as a friend.” You’re probably wondering how you got into the friendzone.

Yes, you heard me, or read me, or whatever that part isn’t necessary. What is important is that you understand what exactly the friendzone is and hopefully I can help with that.

Full disclosure the friendzone has got to be my least favorite zone, with the no flex zone obviously being my favorite.

All jokes aside before I continue I would just like to take a moment of silence for our brothers in the friendzone.

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Now that we have grieved for them, I am going to address one of the great mysteries of our time.

How does the friendzone work?

So the best analogy for the friendzone is to imagine a series of rooms with automatic doors which close after a period of time. Of course, I am not talking about an actual door because, that would be weird, but the door is a metaphor. The period in which the door is open is the period in which your crush sees you as a romantically viable option. You know that eventually, the door will close, but you don’t know when or how abruptly. With each individual room symbolizes a different level of friendship.

Let’s say you meet this girl for the first time, one day at a party. You have no idea who she is. She could kill people and puppies or worse support Arsenal FC. On the other hand, she could feed the homeless in her spare time. You really have no clue. So by this point you probably haven’t even entered the first room. So let’s say you really wanna be in that room because that room looks dope so you grow the balls (sorry feminists) to go talk to her.

You walk up to her nervously, all you can think about is how important first impressions are, you really don’t want to mess this up. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms a heavy, fine you aren’t in 8 Mile but you get the point. You finally finished walking up to her, and the only words you can remember are that of the immortal Johnny Bravo. Whose name will go down in the annals of history. Without hesitation you say with all the confidence in the world:

“Hey Foxy Mama, You smell kinda pretty. Wanna smell me? Hoo hah!”

By this point you might be thinking to yourself “what the actual fuck did I just say?” but then you remembered that you’re as cool as a cucumber (why are cucumbers cool I don’t know, but alliteration makes the world a better place). You look in her eyes with the confidence of Muhammad Ali and tell her “I’m Johnny Bravo by the way.”

She laughs and dosesn’t throw her drink in your face. Which I suppose is good news.

Congratulations, the door opens, you walk in, and you’re now in the first room.

You enter the proverbial room, and you’re immediately greeted with the most superficial layer of this girl. All you know at this point is what she looks like. But, as the conversation progresses a more holistic image of this girl starts to form. You know her name, which for the sake of simplicity and my infatuation for Mila Kunis, is Mila. You know what Mila’s favorite movie is and hopefully, it isn’t Twilight. You guys have so much in common that you even take the same classes at the same school.

So let’s say the conversation between you guys went really well, you’ve both had a few drinks, and by the end of the night, the door for room number 2 opens. Remember this means that for this brief window Mila is interested in you.

At this point let us imagine two parallel universes.

In the first universe, you are an efficient man who seizes opportunity. So as soon as the door number 2 opens you go for it, lean in and kiss.

However, in the second universe you aren’t as decisive, and for whatever reason, you didn’t see the door open, or you exhausted all your confidence trying to emulate a 90’s cartoon character and didn’t capitalize on your opportunity. But, you don’t get too upset about it because you got her number and you’re going to see her at school or whatever.

So I am not going to go through every single step of the process because that would be tedious and dilute the greater point I am trying to make. Which is that every time you level up your relationship, with your version of Mila, you have a small window where the door is open, and she sees you as something more than a friend. You have in essence temporarily escaped the friendzone. But the operative word in that sentence is temporary. The more time that goes by, the more you allow your relationship to normalize and you’re back into the friendzone.

The last thing I would like to emphasise with this analogy is that the more rooms you go through, meaning the better friends you are. The harder it is to go from one room to another. Even if you do manage to go from room to room successfully the amount of time the door will remain open decreases at every turn so the harder it is for you to escape.

Now lets go back to the start.

You’re the poor hombre that just got the “I only see you as a friend text.”

After that, you’ve listened to your T-swizzle, and you’re confident that you can escape.

So the first thing you wanna do is try to find out in which room you’re in and go from there.

Let’s say you guys are good friends but not great friends. It might be easier for you to try to become closer with her as your way of becoming more than friends.

Or,

You could go the other way by not speaking to her. Wait till you decrease a level then proceed to talk to her again when a sufficient amount of time has elapsed. But, this might not work because she might resent the fact that you stopped speaking to her.

Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all method, so you’re going to have to see what works for you.

In either case, I just wanted to tell the young blood that the reason that you’re friendzone might have nothing to do with anything I said above. The reason you’re friendzoned might be because your Mila thinks (for lack of a better word) that you’re her bitch.

The best way to judge where you land on the bitch scale is by seeing how symmetrical your relationship is. Does she start the conversation the same amount as you and if you buy her lunch continuously does she buy it back for instance. Just look at all the little things which alone are insignificant, but if you aggregate them, they tell a much clearer story.

So far we’ve mainly looked at this from the bros perspective, which is obvious because by this point you could probably tell I am a dude. But there is still some interesting stuff I’d like to talk about.

A girl’s likelihood or friend-zoning any given guy or as I call it her marginal propensity to friendzone is based on her current social needs.

Allow me to explain.

Every single relationship in anyone’s life is either genetically encoded within us (like the love for family) or needed to satisfy an individual need (like the urge to socialize). This may sound harsh (which it is), but it’s fundamentally true and intuitive.

Think about it this way if you have a very strong friend group, you’re less likely to adopt more close friends because your emotional need for friendship is satisfied. Contrarily, if you have very little viable romantic partners, you’re less likely to friendzone someone because your urge for romance/copulation is still pulsing.

This is something I people should take solace in. Because for the first time in human history the whole, it’s not you, it’s me thing is actually true.

Anywho,

I hope you guys learned a thing or two

Shami out

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