Why Men Are Dogs Written By Me (a Dog) And More Fun Things About Evolution

Before I start this undoubtedly humorous and informative (you can tell I have a) article, I just need to explain to you guys a couple of biology concepts before I can proceed to the greater point of this.

The first thing I’d like to talk about is evolution. Evolution is this fun little thing that everyone dogmatically believes in (including me) without really understanding it. Which if you ask me is just as bad as the dude who thinks a god created everything because his pastor told him. But that’s a topic for another time.

One of the great things about evolution unlike other ground breaking theories is that we can observe its rigorous logic in our current day to day life. We don’t need to stretch our mind trying to understand how time moves slower around heavier objects like my boy Albert E. We just need to look around and ask why animals (which includes us soz) act the way they do.

So the first thing I would like to do before is talk to you about evolution and precisely the mechanism through which evolution takes place, which is, of course, natural selection. There are a lot of misunderstandings or misnomers as to how natural selection actually works so let me try to make your understanding of this concept as rigorous as possible.

For example, let’s look at the relationship that parents have with their kids. Parents will always love their children more than their kids love them. Here is a video of Ryan Reynolds saying how much he loves his kids. And if Ryan Reynolds says it, it must be true!

This not by chance. Parents who didn’t love their kids had a harder time spreading their genes throughout the gene pool because their children would die. Furthermore, even if these children of neglect were to grow up and foster their own offspring, they would also be biologically pre-disposed to neglect their own children leading them in turn to have fewer kids ad infinitum. So the reason we love our kids (I say our even though I am 19 and as far as I know don’t have any children) is because the people who didn’t love their kids couldn’t raise enough children (because they didn’t care about them as much) in order for it to become the norm.

Therefore, being a better parent is favored in the gene pool. Using the logic above we can easily conclude that genes which are favored in the gene pool are more likely to be passed on making them more common today.

Another thing we need to understand is that humans (barring a catastrophic change in society) are probably not going to evolve past our current stage. This is because evolution doesn’t just happen. It happens because biological pressures kill most of the population and the ones who survive repopulate with their new and improved genes. This isn’t going to happen barring an unmitigated catastrophe. If anything we’re likely to go the other way and devolve because we’ve been alleviating these biological pressures.

Allow me to illustrate this using my own life because I have no shame and I’m a very good example of human devolution. I have a gene which delays the age at which my body would start producing its own Human Growth Hormone (HGH). So I had to stick a needle in the right side of my butt every day for the better part of 3 years while taking pure steroids for a year whilst at the same time undergoing experimental treatment which involved me taking oestrogen boosting pills to allow me to take this treatment for longer. If that sounds like it sucks, it’s because it did. But on the bright side I looked like this:

Those steroid induced abs were worth it.

It’s worth noting that I have this deficiency and my kid will probably have it. So if you took me and put me at the time were humans were still hunter gatherers I probably would have ended up dead rather early on the count that I was 4 foot 8 till I was 13. This would therefore mean I wouldn’t be able to pass my HGH deprived genes on the next generation implying that it would have been able to stay in the gene pool.

Therefore, nowadays given the wonders of modern medicine we are able to save people that would have otherwise died and therefore not pass on their genes.

This doesn’t mean that I (and people of my ilk) shouldn’t be allowed to pass on their genes. Because I hate to break it to you, but if we resorted back to our hunter-gatherer days only about the top 1% of physically gifted humans would survive.

By this point in the article you’re probably wondering this has to do with dogs and the answer is coming shortly but here is a picture of my dog Simba (short for Symbiosis that’s a bio joke).


We’re always reminded that guys act the same way as dogs frolicking about, humping everything they come across. Which to be fair does sound a lot like my dog. Most people are perplexed by this but if we are using similar reasoning as my Ryan Reynolds example above we’ll understand why this is the case.

To make this as simple as possible let’s imagine a world populated by two guys and a much larger population of women. Guy A is a sexual deviant who, like Simba in his younger more rambunctious days would hump a lot of things. Guy B, on the other hand, has a lower propensity to hump.

If we leave these guys on this utopian planet and come back in 30 years, we’re intuitively going to expect Guy A to have more kids than Guy B. Therefore his genetics which includes his sexual drive are going to be in turn passed on to their children. So if we come back let’s say 1000 years in the future, and this planet hasn’t destroyed itself in a nuclear holocaust. We would notice that practically  the entire population of earth was a direct descendent of person A and not person B. This is because Guy A had more kids than Guy B and Guy A’s kids had more kids than guy B’s kids so if you wait long enough guy B’s genes would have been nearly extinct.

So if we take this analogy and apply it to our life. The reason why most guys have a high libido is that having a high libido was/is favored in the gene pool, therefore, most guys are direct descendants of the sexual deviants.

This isn’t to excuse this behaviour because unlike all beasts humans can have an urge and not act on it. More importantly our actions are predominated by culture almost as much as it is by our genetics. This is due to the fact that humans unlike dogs have the ability to spread memes. I don’t mean the Facebook kind but the Richard Dawkins kind. For example, biologists can determine the sexual promiscuity of animals by comparing their testicle size to their body mass. So for example chimpanzees use sex for this currencies so (pardon the phraseology) have big balls when compared to their weight. Gorillas on the other hand are strictly monogamous so (pardon  the phraseology) have little balls. Humans, on the other hand, fall somewhere in the middle, skewing more towards gorillas. However, people are observed as being strictly monogamous in most part of the world. But in others, we notice that polygamy flourishes.

How can this be the case if we start with the same species?

This is because each culture has different memes which influence our sexuality. This raises a particular set of implications that I would like to investigate here when it comes to homosexuality.

(This should go without saying because it’s 2017, but nothing is wrong with being a homosexual).

There is a lot of debate on how homosexuality arises and if culture has any impact on it or if it’s purely genetic. I very much doubt that there is a single “gay” gene which prompts people to become homosexuals. It is more likely that there are a series of genes that when combined prompts people to invert their sexual preferences. Because if we use our Ryan Reynolds logic we should see that people with the homosexual gene are less likely to have kids due to the fact that they are less sexually interested in the other sex. Also if homosexuality was a result of just one gene we would expect families where the gene to be a homosexual like the gene to not produce enough HGH would be more apparent in some families than others.

The other thing I find interesting is that more people identify as LGBTQ than ever before. For the sake of brevity, I will just talk about the LGB side. If more people identify as LGB now this is because of one of two things. Either more people are conformable coming forward. Meaning that some were practicing homosexuals in private but did not tell surveys such. Or we are more socially accepting of it and therefore more likely to bring out latent homosexuals as active (to be clarified on soon). We know it’s one of these two things because human evolution doesn’t just change over night, therefore, our natural dispositions should remain constant.

The later argument catches a lot of flack politically because when not reasoned out correctly is plain and blatant stupidity used to subvert people’s natural rights and freedoms. As we established before however, culture has a very real effect on sexuality and should by extension have the same effect on a portion of the LBG community. For instance, we had cultures such as the Roman empire where homosexuality was normalised (as long as you’re not the one being penetrated but that’s a story for another time). The notion that just because homosexuality arises entirely independent of culture is somewhat discredits the movement is nonsensical at best and completely devoid of thought at worse.

Some members of the LBG community will be LGB no matter what situation they are put in and no matter what point throughout history. But in cultures where the idea is never even heard of let alone, taboo will make it very hard to become LBG independently. If anything I feel the fact that culture plays a role in homosexuality gives it more credence because it adheres to the same laws that heterosexual people do.

One more time for the people it’s 2017, but nothing is wrong with being a homosexual.

Let’s finish this post up by going back to my boy guy A and guy B. After reading all that I wrote about them you may be wondering that if they imply that women, as well as men, will have this same sexual urge that men have “to frolic about.” The answer is no because the sexual evolution of males and females are different because the payoffs for each gender is different (more on that soon). This means there are some sexual discrepancies between males and females, but THEY DO NOT MATTER IN THE AGGREGATE. I will say this one more time males and females have different biological tendencies, but they do not matter in the aggregate. 

To better understand this, we need to use a little bit of game theory that I will dull down to the absolute minimum.

I think we can all agree that after the baby is conceived women have to put in more work to turn that fetus into a child. They have to carry it around, eat for it, be physically impaired by it to a certain extent and they have to birth it. This costs a lot of energy points which means that unless it’s absolutely crucial, natural selection will not favor this in the gene pool. On the other hand, the guy who did said insemination can leave as soon as he finished ejaculating and never show up again. In both of these cases, the genes from both parties will be passed on despite the asymmetry in energy expenditure.

To avoid this, evolution started favoring women who were coyer. Meaning that women will not just sleep with men willy nilly before the age of condoms. This is because by “playing hard to get” women are more likely to keep the suitors who are likely to stay thereby reducing the asymmetry.

Again it is worth reminding you that women didn’t evolve to be more coy just like that. Women became more coy because the women who weren’t coy died and therefore their genes weren’t passed on.

However, these discrepancies still exist in the population seeing that men have longer lasting libido’s and are genetically pre-disposed (as mentioned earlier) to be semi-promiscuous.

Bonus content the human penis:

The reason why I chose the human penis as my bonus is two-fold. The first reason is like I said earlier I had HGH deficiencies which meant I only started to hit puberty at 14 and by hit puberty, I mean start puberty. When I was 9-10 my loser friends who shan’t be named claimed that their penises at 9 or 10 years old were 20cm and 25cm respectively.

Let that sink in for a second.

Me knowing nothing and having nothing to compare those measures to besides porn thought this was the norm. So until I was about 16 and was in the 10th grade I basically looked up literally everything to know about penises and I need to share my knowledge with the world. The second reason I chose penises is because their evolution was influenced my a plethora of things.

It’s important and hilarious to note that humans have by far the biggest penis among primates. Without getting into the details of semen displacement theory (I know sorry) a longer penis is more likely to inseminate women making larger penises more successful in the gene pool and therefore more prominent. Furthermore, penis’s act as a signalling mechanism for females. Meaning that a woman who sees a guy with a big penis is more likely to think that the man is better off overall making them more likely to reproduce and spread this gene.

However, there are evolutionary pressures which push the penis size back down otherwise, the average length of penises would constantly be growing. This is because on the upper bound women are less likely to sleep with men on the count that there is only so much space between her vagina and her cervix.